So much has happened

since I last blogged. On the 14th, our wedding anniversary, I started to bleed and I passed the baby. On the 15th, we left, as planned, for Disneyland.

The trip was a ton of fun. And I managed to hold it all together. Riley was so awesome. :) He LOVED the characters. He LOVED Pirates, he LOVED the Haunted Mansion. He LOVED LOVED LOVED the train. He was LIVID that he couldn't go on California Screaming though. Um, dude? You're just under 33 inches and you have to be 42 inches to go on that. You're 2...and it goes upside down! lol But he did want to go on it. He also wanted to go on the Matterhorn. And I think that he would have been ok, but he is too short for that too, by only 2 inches. Bummer. :( He was not at all scared of any of the characters. Or any of the rides. His favorite rides though were the train and Small World. It was a GREAT trip...much needed.

Got back to my folks on Fri so that we could go to Aunt Tina's 90th b-day party. Well, that just fucking sucked eggs. :( First, Steve and Danielle wouldn't really talk to either of us. I mean, Steve did talk to us, to go on and on about how he doesn't know how HE is going to handle it, having two kids. "I might have to get rid of my gaming stuff." Dang, we got rid of the X-Box right after Riley was born! Jeff came out from Boston, where he is living with his fiance. *shaking head* He's an idiot. He's known her for 3 months. They are engaged and she's pregnant. And of course, this was supposed to be kept from us because of all that we went through to get pg with Riley. *rolling eyes* It annoys me that they all think that we have to be treated with kid gloves about people being pregnant.

Anyway, I LOST it. I totally went off when I found out that my mother knew that Jeff's fiance was pg. Looked at her and said "What, do you think I'm stupid and I wouldn't have figured it out?" Went off on the whole "Well, we're so lucky to have Riley" and "At least you have Riley" comments. Oh yeah, cuz we're LUCKY to NOT have the other three? It just pisses me off. I cried pretty much the whole way home on Sunday.

Since then, I started my new class. I'm in a 1st/2nd combo. I don't know how well it is going to work for me. The teacher isn't super organized. She doesn't really have a plan book. She is just the opposite of Barbara. And I LIKE how Barb does stuff! lol

I am also getting a new supervisor. I don't feel that my current supervisor is helping me as much as she should be. I email with questions and don't get answers. She showed up over 20 minutes late for an observation that I had already put off for 4 days because she didn't want to drive up here twice in a week. Well, she ended up having to anyway! lol By that point I had put off that lesson for over a week.

Today, I'm home sick. I started getting a sore throat yesterday. It started around 10am. By 4pm, I had a headache, stiff neck and fever. I decided that since today is Halloween it was better to stay home today and sleep and rest than risk it getting worse. I slept till 11 and feel a TON better. Riley is at daycare, Brad is sleeping, it works. And I am feeling a ton better! Which means that I will be back at school tomorrow.

Ok, that's enough for now. :) There's crap going on with Monica and some shit she might be trying to pull with her wedding, but I'll write about that another day.

Later!

Or is it?

God, I cannot take much more of this. Went for the ultrasound today. Dr says "Hmm...you have a small deformity on your uterus that looks like a sac." Odd...of all the ultrasounds I've had I'd never heard this. We see something moving in the sac. He takes my wrist and starts counting "1......2......3......4......5......6......7......8......9......10" While looking at the monitor. Then he lets go of my wrist and, while staring at the screen starts counting "1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10". "Ok, I wanted to check. That is not your heartbeat. You've got a heartbeat in there!" WTH!!!???

So we go into his office and he was confused! He said "Well, I was planning to do the ultrasound and then talk to you about your options. But really, there are none. We don't know that this pregnancy is going to be ok. But you are definately still pregnant. It is possible that the lad made a mistake." Brad: "Could the lab have left a number off the results?" Dr: "Not likely, but it could have happened." Good Lord! When will this end???

They did another blood test and I am just waiting for them to call me with the results. I am tired of this ride...can it please be over now???

Over...

before it even began. My latest pregnancy that is. Last Wednesday my hormone levels were 1609. They were rerun today and they are 1718. They should be at least 6,400. I have an appt with the dr on Wed morning for a follow up and another ultrasound. We'll see. But basically, my gut feeling was right and this pregnancy isn't viable.

I never thought........

that I would be one of those people who isn't excited to be pregnant. I never thought that I would even RESENT being pregnant. But right now, I am. I AM resentful. This isn't what I wanted God. I wanted to be able to go to work in fall. I wanted to be teaching. I wanted to be able to save money, to be able to not worry every month about paying things. I know, all selfish. But we had started to make plans. Why does God think that my body is a playground?

I think some of this is just being in limbo. I found an OB. I saw the midwife on Wed. No real point to it. I have to have another c-sec. Not what I want. But they will tie my tubes. Which will be nice. No choice, the hospital doesn't do VBACs. Anyway, we did an ultrasound. It showed that I am 5 weeks. But all we could see was an empty sac. So I have another ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd. They also did the prenatal panel. My HCG is 1600. It was a TON higher with Riley. They are rerunning the HCG on Mon. So I will have the results on Tues. We'll see. I don't think that the pregnancy is viable. I just don't. I don't feel pregnant. I know that all pregnancies are different. I just am having a hard time this time.

I know that some of this is because I had moved on. I enjoy sleeping through the night. I enjoy the fact that Riley is more independent. I enjoy the fact that I can go out with my friends and I don't have to worry about nursing. I was enjoying the fact that I was going to have diapers behind me in about a year.

Don't get me wrong. IF this pregnancy is viable, I will adjust. It's just that right now, I feel like I can't get excited. I feel like I can't be happy. In case. Because I don't know how I would do it again. At the same time, I don't know that this is what I want. I didn't expect this. I mean, I know that doctors can be wrong. I'm not stupid. But when 3 different drs tell you that you have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant without fertility treatment, when your risk of miscarriage is 85%, you believe them! You don't expect ONE surprise pregnancy, but TWO!?!?!? I mean, this is ridiculous!

I'm just stressed. I'm sure that as I adjust to this I will be fine. It's just hard right now. I don't know. It's a struggle. I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this. But I don't know that I would be as heart broken if I were to have another miscarriage. I thought that my 2nd one would kill me. I really did. I was so devastated. The first one was awful. Leaving the er that morning, in the rain, at about 2am...that was horrid. I will never forget how I felt that day. But this time...I just don't know. Maybe it's because I thought that I was done. I don't know what to do.

Ok, this was depressing enough. Hopefully we will have some answers soon.

Later.