I never thought........

that I would be one of those people who isn't excited to be pregnant. I never thought that I would even RESENT being pregnant. But right now, I am. I AM resentful. This isn't what I wanted God. I wanted to be able to go to work in fall. I wanted to be teaching. I wanted to be able to save money, to be able to not worry every month about paying things. I know, all selfish. But we had started to make plans. Why does God think that my body is a playground?

I think some of this is just being in limbo. I found an OB. I saw the midwife on Wed. No real point to it. I have to have another c-sec. Not what I want. But they will tie my tubes. Which will be nice. No choice, the hospital doesn't do VBACs. Anyway, we did an ultrasound. It showed that I am 5 weeks. But all we could see was an empty sac. So I have another ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd. They also did the prenatal panel. My HCG is 1600. It was a TON higher with Riley. They are rerunning the HCG on Mon. So I will have the results on Tues. We'll see. I don't think that the pregnancy is viable. I just don't. I don't feel pregnant. I know that all pregnancies are different. I just am having a hard time this time.

I know that some of this is because I had moved on. I enjoy sleeping through the night. I enjoy the fact that Riley is more independent. I enjoy the fact that I can go out with my friends and I don't have to worry about nursing. I was enjoying the fact that I was going to have diapers behind me in about a year.

Don't get me wrong. IF this pregnancy is viable, I will adjust. It's just that right now, I feel like I can't get excited. I feel like I can't be happy. In case. Because I don't know how I would do it again. At the same time, I don't know that this is what I want. I didn't expect this. I mean, I know that doctors can be wrong. I'm not stupid. But when 3 different drs tell you that you have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant without fertility treatment, when your risk of miscarriage is 85%, you believe them! You don't expect ONE surprise pregnancy, but TWO!?!?!? I mean, this is ridiculous!

I'm just stressed. I'm sure that as I adjust to this I will be fine. It's just hard right now. I don't know. It's a struggle. I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this. But I don't know that I would be as heart broken if I were to have another miscarriage. I thought that my 2nd one would kill me. I really did. I was so devastated. The first one was awful. Leaving the er that morning, in the rain, at about 2am...that was horrid. I will never forget how I felt that day. But this time...I just don't know. Maybe it's because I thought that I was done. I don't know what to do.

Ok, this was depressing enough. Hopefully we will have some answers soon.

Later.