I still haven't cried. I don't know if that is evident of being so prepared for Nana's death, or of me being a cold callous person.

I know that she had some good points to her. I remember her being happy, but she hasn't been for years. The last ten, fifteen years, have her being miserable, bitter and just plain nasty. I loved her, but she was NOT a nice person. I could go on and on about how differently she treated me and Dina. But what is the point?

And speaking of Dina. *IBEREH* She will be coming out for the funeral. I don't know yet when she arrives, or when she leaves, but please God, give me the energy to deal with her. She is going to be going on and on and on about "Nana this and Nana that" and "I miss her soooooo much" as she cries her big fat annoying FAKE crocodile tears. I am going to need so much strength to deal with her. I'm sure that there will be some sort of question about money or jewelry or SOMETHING as well. You know, maybe I'm weird. I just don't care about those things.

I don't know what I am going to do when she starts her whining. God, I am just going to need strength and energy for this one. While I am not crying and going on and on, I am on edge. I know I'm due to start my period, so that isn't helping. But I know that there is more to it than that. I know that stress about this job for Brad, I know that worrying about applying for jobs for me and if there will BE any jobs for me, is adding to my stress level. I don't know. I am just feeling STRESSED! I need to be able to relax. I had thought about scheduling a massage, but I just don't know when I will be able to go. Maybe April.

There is a girls weekend coming up. I can't wait. The weekend of April 11. Brad is scheduled, so Mom & Dad are planning to take Riley, but I just don't know if they will be able to. I hope that they can. The last weekend away got cancelled. But I hope that this one doesn't. I need it! lol We all do.

Oh well, that's it for now. Later!

*IBEREH*= "Insert Big Eye Rolling Emoticon Here"

Not sure what to feel

I'm not sure what I feel, or what I should feel. Maybe Shawna said it best when she said that I was feeling two VERY intense emotions at the same time. And I am.

I am sad. Of COURSE I am sad. I'm not a monster. My Nana died. Of course I feel sad. But at the same time, I am happy. She was miserable. She was incoherent. She was yelling at my Dad in Italian the other day, calling him Frank. That's his Dad, who has been dead since well before I was born.

I remember being little, gosh Mom & Dad were married yet!, and being at her apt. She had a little parakeet and he was walking on the table while I ate toast with cinnamon and sugar. I remember her telling me that cookies and other baked goods taste better if you mix them by hand, with either a wooden spoon or a whisk. The only time I use an electric mixer for baked things is when I am making a really large amount. I do it all by hand. lol Even today.

I am going to miss her. But she has been failing. She has been miserable. She has been in pain. But now, now she is at peace. How nice. She is with family, her husband that she hasn't seen in decades, her daughter who only lived for 3 days, her son, her sister, her brother, she is with friends who have died before her. I am SURE that her and my Pop are fighting, as they always did. lol But she is with Jesus, she is in Heaven. I know that this is what she has been wanting.

While it might be odd to say . . . praise God for taking her.

Later.