I have to admit it.

Sometimes, I feel like a crappy mom. I am not quick to jump on the floor to play, I HATE having Riley in the kitchen when I cook. I don't like having him help me. Part of that is the fact that the kitchen is so small. It's hard to have the room in our kitchen to have him "help".

Sometimes, I feel like a crappy wife. I don't like to do laundry. I hate most household chores. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom, as odd as that is. And I *like* having everything clean. But I feel like it gets so messed up so fast. So I get fed up and don't want to bother.

I know some of it is the depression. I know that. I need to get better at taking my meds. I forget to take them a lot. Well, most days I forget.

I want to be a better mom. I want to not be yelling. I want to be fun. But I'm not sure that is me. I want to be more confident taking Riley out by myself.

I want to be more like Michelle Duggar. Wonder how she'd feel about that? lol She is so calm with the kids. She is so confident as a mom. I know that she doesn't all her own laundry or housework, the kids help (as they should!). But come on, I can't even keep an 1100 sq foot house clean!

So my prayer tonight? For God to make me more like her. Calm, mellow, relaxed, focused on Him. Maybe that is her secret. Her focus on God. Maybe I need to stop more and pray. Ask Him to help me. I'll have to try that. And taking my meds. Because I believe that the reason He gives us the knowledge for medicine like we have is to help ourselves.

Conversations with a 4 1/2 yr old

Riley was jumping on Brad on the living room floor.


Me: Riley, be gentle. God only gives us one Daddy, you don't want to break him.

Riley: It's ok. I got glue!

MAJOR rant (will involve foul language)

I'm pissed. I am so tired of everyone coming to ME to bitch about every fucking aspect of their life, but when I'm upset where is everyone? No where. Not one asks, not one gives a shit. You know, I'm sorry that your marriage is going to pot. But you've been bitching about it for over a year. Do you not see that I am nearly in tears here? Do you not see that I am not returning your calls, emails, texts, etc? Or is this just blown off because Suzanne has depression issues?

Well you know what? It isn't all related to the depression. Sometimes, my husband is being a fucktard. Sometimes my kid is being demon spawn. And sometimes, it happens at the exact same fucking time. And sometimes, I need to vent. Sometimes I need someone, anyone, to look and see that I AM NOT OK. That I am about to break. Sometimes, every now & then, it would be nice to not be the one that everyone vents to, but to have people look at me & see that something is wrong and instead of venting about their fucking lives, like always, to FUCKING LISTEN!!!


IT ISN'T ALL ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!



Ok, vent over. I don't feel fine but a bit better.

I finished!!!!!!!

I finished the kitchen. YAY!!!!!! Next room, I think I'm going to tackle Riley's room. I was going to go room to room, but I decided instead that R's room needs to be cleaned. Of course, this means that I can't start till Mon when he's not home. I just can't do it when he's home. I mean, he doesn't want to get rid of stuff. He is such his dad's boy!


I'm feeling really frustrated with stupid people getting themselves pregnant. I mean, if you're in a not good time to get pregnant you have a couple of choices. Keep your legs closed or use birth control. To the lady at MOPs, I'm sorry that you're pregnant when you have a 5 month old. Must suck to be fertile. If you didn't want more kids right now, either refrain from sex or use birth control.


It just sucks when people get pregnant when they don't want to be. It can be prevented. Just don't be stupid & then bitch about it to ME.


Alright, more when I get started on the next room!

Last week

Last week was pure hell. I got nothing done at home. Heck, the laundry is still waiting to be put away.

Mon I worked. It was such a bad day that I was in bed around 9:30. I wanted to cry. It was awful.

Tues I worked again. Much better day, but I worked, came home, ate dinner, went to Bible study, came home, had to make a CPS report, went to bed.

Wed I ended up spending much of the day out at the power plant with the wife of a coworkers of Brads. When I got home, I was busy cleaning up cat pee off my floor.

Thurs I had to take Bismarck back to the vet, where he ended up spending the night for treatments.

Fri we had gymnastics. Then picked up Bis. Then had to go out to Roseville to buy jeans.

Sat we went to play in the snow with friends. That was a TON of fun! Can't wait to do that again!


So, this is a new week. My plan for today is to put away the dishes, do the upper cabinet, & put away laundry. At least some of it!

Wish me luck!

Well, that didn't work!

I worked Mon & Tues, so I have gotten nothing done here at home. Mon was such a bad day that I came home & wanted to cry. Today I got home, relaxed for a few minutes, had dinner & went to Bible Study. But tomorrow I will be home, so I hope to get stuff done.


Wish me luck! How are YOU doing on your cleaning/purging?

Not too bad!

So today I found a recipe for a bbq sauce that I can eat, no tomato. COOL! Except that I cannot believe it. In this house I have 4 kinds of vinegar: malt, distilled, white wine & balsamic. The recipe calls for red wine. Fortunately, Brad is awesome & went to the store for me. BUT because of looking for it, I got the upper left hand cabinets done. And, duh!, I did the upper right hand cabinets done yesterday.


Tomorrow my plan is to do the bottom cabinets, which won't take long cuz I did those when we had the mouse, and the upper cabinets on that side. I'm putting off the fridge till the end of the week, when I have less food in it! lol


Not doing too bad!

What I got done today

So I got up this morning and Brad & Riley were going to a train show. I did some stuff in the kitchen. Now I need to stop watching Say Yes to the Dress & get my butt on the Wii! lol

Left drawers
Right drawers
Towels
Cookbooks


To cheat, I did the drawers about a month ago when I replaced the liners. But I checked them, they are still good. :) So I am off to a good start! I did some other work in the gun rack, but I didn't separate it out, so I'm not listing all of it separately.

Here we go!!!

Alright, I decided that I am going to post my plan for organizing/decluttering each room. I am going to allow myself 2 weeks per room, because Riley is gone 2 days of the week, so that means that the other 5 I have him home. I also never really know my schedule day to day because I could get a 6:30am phone call to work. I figure if I finish in less than 2 weeks, good for me! If I take the full 2 weeks, oh well!

My plan is to start at one end of the house & work my way back. However, I am going to work in Riley's room when time allows because I can really only do his room when he isn't home (or when he's outside) and it is just BAD. I haven't cleaned it since before Halloween. I know, bad Mommy. But every time I start to work in there, we either have a party or he has friends over & it ends up looking like a bomb went off.

So, here is the kitchen list:
Upper left cabinet
Upper right cabinet
Lower cabinet
Upper cabinet
Left drawers
Right drawers
Oven drawer
Pot cabinet
Gun rack***
Tupperware
Towels
Cookbooks
Oven
Stove
Microwave
Fridge
Freezer

Keep in mind, this isn't a cleaning list. This is an "organize & get rid of" list. So things like "sweep" aren't going to be on here!

I don't have a list for Riley's room yet. It just needs to be gone through! I really should take pictures of it.

So I'm off. I feel the desire to work on the gun rack***!



***This is a converted gun rack that we got for $5. Brad knocked out the parts where the guns would lean against & built shelves for it. It now holds my dishes, wine glasses, dish towels, things like that.

Stealing an idea

So my friend Sara posted some goals for the year that she has. And I thought "Gee, that's a good idea! I should do that!" lol Keep me accountable if it's in writing. So, here goes.


1. Save money. Being cheaper and actually putting more money in savings.

2. Plan more ahead. Be ahead of the game for things like birthday parties and the such.

3. Organize this house. Room by room. And declutter while at it.

4. Work out. I was really good last year, till I got bronchitis. That kind of threw me off.

5. Get used to this new way of eating. Having to cut out tomato & onion is NOT an easy thing to do.

6. Less computer time. I don't think it is helping my depression at all.

Ok, that's what I've got for now. I will try to remember to post & update on how I'm doing!